


idealism sits in prison (honey ask me, i should know)

by taare



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Catra (She-Ra) Redemption, Character Study, F/F, Forgiveness, Nightmares, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:01:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24350983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taare/pseuds/taare
Summary: “You still have nightmares. You thought they’d stop, after you overpowered Horde Prime and helped restore peace to the universe, but there are still nights you wake up, palms drenched in sweat and tail stiff. Adora calls your name to wake you up; observes you sadly as you turn away — she can’t fix this for you.”ORCatra takes stock of her actions. Character study.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 86





	idealism sits in prison (honey ask me, i should know)

**Author's Note:**

> Given the time and structural constraints of the show, Catra’s redemption arc felt shortchanged in the final season. I wanted to walk through her motivations, and see her react to the ramifications of her actions.
> 
> Title from the lovely Hozier piece, “From Eden”.

  
You still have nightmares. You thought they’d stop, after you overpowered Horde Prime and helped restore peace to the universe, but there are still nights you wake up, palms drenched in sweat and tail stiff. Adora calls your name to wake you up; observes you sadly as you turn away — she can’t fix this for you. 

Because what you’re dreaming of — there’s no cure. How do you answer for all the lives lost in the Horde’s takeover of tiny towns? To the cadets returning exhausted after triple shifts in battle at your command, to your _friends_ you abandoned to unknown fates and near-certain death? To families separated — even destroyed — due to your decisions? 

Adora hadn’t told you about Queen Angella. You’re not surprised — she sees how raw the wounds from the war still are and tries to shield you from that pain. Even Glimmer doesn’t bring it up, which surprises you when you do find out the truth — you wouldn’t have been so generous in her shoes. You don’t find out the real repercussions of opening that stupid portal until Perfuma, of all people, brings it up one day. 

“You know, Glimmer is really settling into her role of Queen,” she remarks, sitting down beside you on the lawn outside the Bright Moon castle. “For all their differences, Queen Angella did a wonderful job preparing her to lead.”

“What happened to Queen Angella?” you ask, curiously. “It just felt like one day, she was here, and the next, Glimmer is celebrating her coronation. The Horde never found out exactly what happened.” 

Perfuma is staring at you, her normally serene features replaced with furrowed eyebrows and a tight frown. “Don’t you know?” she says. “She sacrificed herself to close the portal.”

Something in your expression must betray your shock, so Perfuma continues: “Adora was going to do what she always does — jump in headfirst and try to save the world. So Queen Angella stopped her. After all, the Rebellion needed She-Ra.” The remainder of the sentence — that a Queen was replaceable — remains unspoken. 

* * *

That night, you’re back in the Fright Zone. Shrapnel from the piping and glass in Hordak’s lab is piled on the floor, blocking anyone else from proceeding further. It’s just you and Adora in the sanctum, now — Adora’s arms restrained, you on the floor next to the lever. 

_Catra, please, don’t!_ Adora yells, eyes wide, teeth gritted. You smirk. 

And pull the lever. 

This time, Angella doesn’t make it to Adora in time. This time, Adora reaches for the sword, closes the portal herself. This time, it’s you sobbing uncontrollably in your Force Captain quarters, even as the Horde celebrates around you at the Rebellion’s loss of She-Ra. You scream, though everyone must be able to hear you. You scream louder. You didn’t know Adora’s last words to you would be the ones begging you not to do the one thing that would kill her. 

* * *

Catra! You hear someone calling your name. You don’t care. Adora is gone. 

Catra! The voice is louder now, and inexplicably familiar. But it can’t be — 

“Catra! Wake up!” Your face is wet, and not just with tears — Adora is standing above you with a squirt bottle, eyebrows cocked in a way simultaneously belying guilt, exhaustion, and concern. Still half-asleep, you launch yourself at her to wrap yourself around her. She’s real. She’s safe. 

“You were yelling in your sleep,” Adora explains. “Are you okay?” You don’t know how to tell her what you dreamt, so instead you reassure her with empty platitudes, and tell her to go back to bed. 

“But I remember your nightmares, from back in the Horde. They were never this bad.” 

“Yeah, and we’ve been through a lot since then,” you snap, and immediately regret it. “I’m sorry,” you apologize. “I don’t think I’m —,” you pause, not sure how to say what you want, mean, or need. Communication regarding subjects that weren’t mission critical wasn’t exactly emphasized in your training. 

Adora softens. “Take your time,” she says. You both lie back down on the bed, your face in Adora’s chest as she holds you, arms slackening as her breathing evens into a light snore.

* * *

You’re awake now, though, and pry yourself out of Adora’s grip, padding gingerly across the room and out the balcony doors. From there, it’s easy for you to maneuver down to the lawn, landing feet-first in the soft grass. 

Honestly, you’re not sure where Bright Moon memorializes their leaders, so you settle for sneaking into an orchard in direct view of the runestone. The garden is stunning at this time of night, the Moonstone intensifying both its illumination and its shadows. You gaze, wishing it had the power of rejuvenating you like it did Glimmer; the ability to strip you of your sins and wipe away your past. 

“I’m so sorry,” you begin, and have to pause, horrified to discover that you’re crying, nearly choking on your own tears. “I didn’t know what I was doing,” but you stop again, and correct yourself. 

“I knew the consequences, but I didn’t care. Either I got what I wanted, or the world was coming down with me. Adora was coming down with me.” You glance behind you at your bedroom window where Adora lays asleep, and an almost overwhelming fondness settles along with... whatever it is you’re feeling right now. 

“Opening that portal was the worst thing I’ve ever done, and I’ve done a lot of terrible things.” You chuckle weakly, but even that turns into a sob. Your face is a mess, hair matted with tears. “I know you can never forgive me. I don’t know if I can forgive myself. But your sacrifice brought us out of Despondos; it let us free peoples and planets and save whole galaxies. We’re bringing magic back to the universe!” You smile, for a moment. “Now that’s a legacy befitting a queen.” 

“Etheria will never forget you,” you whisper. “I’ll make sure of it.” The Moonstone seems to glow brighter, just a bit. You stand and clamber back up the wall, into your room. Adora is still asleep. 

You never notice that Glimmer has been watching you the entire time. 

* * *

The nightmares are much less frequent now. You’ve made your peace with the fact that they’ll never be gone, a byproduct of everything you’ve inflicted and endured. Adora, for her part, knows the signs, and cuddles you closer whenever they happen. Maybe one day you’ll be able to talk about it. You don’t think you’re quite there yet. 

You traverse worlds with Glimmer, Bow, and Adora, spreading magic and its gospel far and wide. People have taken to calling it “The Angella Project”, a moniker that you had suggested in the early days. It doesn’t take long before the entire universe is thrumming again, radiating with the aura of a power rightfully restored to its inhabitants. 

You chart a course for return to Etheria, your home. A star seems to wink at you from the distance. 

**Author's Note:**

> Not quite sure I accomplished what I set out to do, honestly, so would love to hear what you think.


End file.
